To College He Goes

 I have shed tears a little at a time as I prepared to send Benjamin off to college.  I guess you could say I grieved in stages. I was hyper-aware of how fleeting time was transpiring all throughout his senior year. 

I was overjoyed to watch him spend time with friends, laughing and just being “a kid”. I shed tears with him as he walked through his first broken heart. I witnessed his resilience through the Covid era and all that was lost.  I treasured so many moments up in my heart as I witnessed my baby boy becoming a man. 

Logically I knew this day would come. I recognized the fact that it’s what we are supposed to do as parents…prepare them and send them forth. I know it’s a special season he’s entering and that he will learn and experience so many new things that will continue to develop and shape him. I know he will meet wonderful people that will become his tribe. 

What I can’t deny is the sadness of knowing he won’t come down the steps each morning and plop down next to me in the kitchen. His jeep won’t be parked out front ready for the next adventure. I won’t hear him say “I’m going to meet the boys for lunch”. I won’t hear the play-by-plays of his day. He won’t sit on my bed and unpack his thoughts or ask me to scratch his back. 

I think for me it’s the inability to see his face as he reads a funny meme or laughs at a GIF…not watching his face as he processes something hard. It’s this space of not being able to see up close what he is seeing and experiencing like I have up to this point. 

I have a new season of waiting. Waiting to hear his voice. Waiting to hear stories of new adventures. Waiting to meet his new friends and hear how old friends integrate with the new. Waiting to hear about professors and classes. Waiting for him to decide what and when he wants to share. 

While I wait, I trust God will keep him. I know He sees his every move. I just sort of have more of a distant view through a window now and that’s hard to accept. I will accept it…but it’s the tears rolling down my cheeks that are my usher into the acceptance of the new season.